Today I got a thorough insight into the mind and sexual urges of a traditional Igbo man. It was an eventful day for me. I blushed…got mad and scolded…laughed…and groaned. It would have been surreal if the dude hadn’t been serious about his business – toasting me.
Guys, do you really think toasting a woman in Igbo language is romantic?! You think it makes you real?! Geez! Igbo language is the most UN-romantic language in Africa. It sounds funny, when you’re trynna talk love but its a whole lot worse if you don’t get the words right (I doubt successful toasting in Igbo language EVER happens sa!), you will end up looking like you don’t get it!! And that is a recipe for perpetual konji – unless you live in Lagos and you’re into the business of paying for sex, then Allen Avenue, Ikeja is your last bus stop!
But, if you wanna get it right, kindly ditch the Igbo or at least mix it with nice English words to tone down the negative effects.
For instance, an Igbo man who sees a pretty girl, he likes, will say “Omalicha, eh, ahuru m gi immediately, ma agbaka! Mma gi n’echu m ula! Ina eko go di m!” (I was wowed at the first sight of your beauty, and I remain wowed!). In guttural Igbo that sounds awful, somehow, right?! Like the guy is an uncouth nonentity who doesn’t know how to woo a lady, properly. Some guys would go as far as telling a babe after a few meets or dates “Achoro m itu gi isi; ka inyi yu si sia” (I want to give you head and make you reach orgasm.). What on earth?!!!
Honestly, Igbo guys NEED to get their acts together! At this rate, ALL the Igbo women will end up as 2nd wives to the sleek speaking Yoruba charmers that work with MTN, GloWorld, NBC and NBL.
C’mon, guys! Be romantic and ditch the Igbo toasts! It sucks BIG time! And It doesn’t win you points. I’m not saying you should be fake asses! Nah! Just borrow some good ol’ Shakespearean charm and be like “Nne, do you know you’re beautiful? I do not mean to flatter, ezi okwu kam na ekwu. I mara nma ka anyanwu ututu!”. That sounds immensely better neh?
Lorenzo in Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice said:
“The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.”
You might be thinking who needs sweet words? When there’s money and pampering for the lady. But you’re wrong! We love to shop – at least I do! But we cherish sweet sincere words from the lips of a handsome and true gentleman, more. Contrary to popular opinion, many women would prefer to marry poor men who adore and treats them right than the rich arrogant men who orders them to “undress, lets make love” – “Asa, yipu go di akwa ka anyi makia love. Amu m ekuni si go!”
Last week, I asked a friend about a mutual friend who is a Medical Doctor but married to an Igbo Businessman and I was told she quit the marriage – mere months after she wedded her “true love”. I was surprised and ever the gossip (smiles), i asked for details.
You know why she left?! He orders her to strip for him, let them have sex. Imagine! He will be like “Tomato m, ife a na agusi m ike o! Yipu godi akwa ka anyi gwuo egwu.” OMG! Like seriously! That sounds so disrepectful and crude! Like she’s a play thing and not his lawfully wedded wife with her Dokita certificate. Arggghhhh!
I don’t blame her! I would have left too – after only a night of such language, I tell ya!
So, my dear brothers-in-tribe, learn to be like Lothario, without the womanizing! There’s a poet in everyman, you just gotta take a step back, think like a gentleman and woo your dream-girl. Not with elaborate untrue words – we know when you’re just flattering us and won’t take you serious. Be sincere, in a sweet romantic way.
For example, if you wanna woo me (*wink*. I don’t wanna be wooed though!), you can be like “You’re a pretty lady. I really like your shape.” Now I know that’s true. Unlike if you be like “You’re the most beautiful lady I have ever seen. Your beauty magnets!”. Oh boi, I know say that one na big fat lie!
So, puh-lease! For the preservation of our womenfolk – those Yoruba charmers with their eloquent English no dey take eye see fine women o! See nwa afor Genny and Koko Maestro naa! The dude no gree her see our strong silent Igbo men. What’s up with their relationship sef?! Is it a no or a yes? With all these blogs flying around with juicy false headlines, pesin no know wetin toh believe again!
Anyway sa! You get my drift, yeah? Be romantic! Go sweets! I’m rooting for y’all! Lots of love.